| Star Trek Trailer Meets Smallville | Nov 19th 12am |
| Ted Stevens' re-election hopes go down the tubes | Nov 18th 11pm |
| Lithuanian parliament names Arunas Valinskas as its speaker. This is equivalent to Howard Stern being named Speaker of the House | Nov 18th 10pm |
| Experts want to lift taboo on nursing home sex despite the ensuing increase in mental bleach need | Nov 18th 10pm |
| Astronette lubricating joint experiences eruption, prematurely lets go of sack. Climax of mission so far | Nov 18th 10pm |
| Couple discover as RV vacation in Florida with their pampered kangaroo and crippled goat wasn't what they were hoping for | Nov 18th 10pm |
| A Texas grand jury has indicted Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on charges related to the alleged abuse of prisoners. 62 more shopping days for Bush pardons | Nov 18th 10pm |
| Even if he's calling your girlfriend "bad names," don't get in a fight with a guy who wears a meat cleaver as a necklace | Nov 18th 10pm |
| Trucker crushed by 70,000 of rocks. Would it be any better if he had been hauling 70,000 pounds of feathers? | Nov 18th 9pm |
| It's National Geography week and a survey says US kids couldn't find their asses with both hands | Nov 18th 9pm |
| Woman treats head lice with highly combustible fuel, heats water with an open flame. Lice is now least of her problems | Nov 18th 9pm |
| Parents angry that a school board member sent a student a 'tough love' note complete with a line about a drop-out last seen at a convenience store "asking customers for money for wine and offering (oral sex) for money." | Nov 18th 9pm |
| The first rule of Pet Fit Club: you need to be 96% overweight cat. (with pic of fat-a** cat) | Nov 18th 9pm |
| Renting out your home to some stranger for the Obama inauguration, sure sounds like a great idea | Nov 18th 9pm |
| Hard-hitting journalism: "Bush and Clinton fit into the expectations of what earlier generations thought a president's wife should look like. Obama has the opportunity to break the mold." | Nov 18th 9pm |
| News: Prisoner escapes from Kentucky jail. Fark: Returns the same day, rings bell, and begs to come back in | Nov 18th 8pm |
| Why in 1770, if you had toothache, your best bet was to get totally hammered: 'Take astringent liquors'. If that didn't work, 'break the teeth into order by means of a strong pair of crooked pliers' | Nov 18th 8pm |
| Iowa zoo recaptures flamingo that flew the coop | Nov 18th 8pm |
| Apparently the global recession has hit heaven | Nov 18th 8pm |
| Man nabbed after hitting girlfriend with sandwich | Nov 18th 8pm |
| Driver loses control after sneeze, hits river | Nov 18th 8pm |
| New constable allows friend to fire gun into air | Nov 18th 8pm |
| The perfect phone call should last nine minutes and 36 seconds. (Bonus pic cap) | Nov 18th 7pm |
| Month-long weapons amnesty program nets swords, axes, bayonets, crossbows, throwing stars, nunchaku, two 19th century pistols, and an anti-tank rifle. Score | Nov 18th 7pm |
| Today: Nutsack squirrel died for your sins. Next Week: Nutsack squirrel spotted in grilled cheese sandwich | Nov 18th 7pm |
| Today is World Toilet Day, with experts calling for an end to flushing toilets. Bonus pic of coolest. Toilet. Evar | Nov 18th 7pm |
| School janitor wins $3 million in the lottery but vows to keep working at his old job. "I don't want this to change my style of living." | Nov 18th 7pm |
| Photoshop this seaside shelter | Nov 18th 7pm |
| Forty-five breast pumps missing; police searching for two lactating thieves | Nov 18th 6pm |
| Game wardens rescue female kakapo that couldn't kaka, due to sharp stick in a place even more uncomfortable than the back seat of a Volkswagen, which technically would have made it just a po | Nov 18th 5pm |
| Nestlé recalls nearly 900,000 Lean Cuisine frozen chicken dinners because they may taste even more like plastic than usual | Nov 18th 4pm |
| High School employee buys beer in exchange for pics of boys' privates; Fark: Complains when he finds out pics were from the internets, not really from HS boys | Nov 18th 4pm |
| The 2008 Write-in Roundup. Jesus gets 23 votes | Nov 18th 3pm |
| Thinking only of others, man arrested after trying to steal $22 worth of deodorant | Nov 18th 3pm |
| EVERYBODY'S STARVING, Oh wait, it's only the people that have been starving forever. EVERYBODY RESUME EATING | Nov 18th 3pm |
| "How to Avoid iPod Ear Damage". Translation: How to Turn the Volume Down so the Entire Bus/Train Car Can't Hear You | Nov 18th 3pm |
| 70+ strippers sue Scores. That's how many, not how old | Nov 18th 3pm |
| Maine man sheds 140 pounds to join the Marines | Nov 18th 3pm |
| George has playdate today. Could be trouble if the man with the big yellow hat doesn't come out of the undisclosed location | Nov 18th 3pm |
| Crook robs convenience store. Makes wrong turn out of parking lot. Getaway truck breaks down. Takes taxi back down the road. Driver stops at same convenience store to ask for directions. Hilarity ensues | Nov 18th 3pm |
| Having trouble thinking of new douchey Facebook statuses? Then this tool is for you | Nov 18th 3pm |
| Austrian city imposes tracksuit ban for cabbies | Nov 18th 3pm |
| Michelle Malkin in 2004: Democrats can't win elections because they treat the American people like they're stupid. Michelle Malkin in 2008: The American people are stupid | Nov 18th 2pm |
| Tiny bladder helps save neighbours caught in housefire - With bonus quote "I'm not the hero. She's the hero. She had to pee" | Nov 18th 2pm |
| Joe Lieberman (?-CT) allowed to keep his Senate committee chairmanship after emerging from Harry Reid's office in a blue ninja outfit screaming 'Fatality' | Nov 18th 2pm |
| If you buy a vehicle with the proceeds of a wrongful death suit due to a drunk driver, you may not want to drink and drive in said vehicle | Nov 18th 2pm |
| Ky. inmate who escaped jail returns on own | Nov 18th 2pm |
| Subpoena documents reveal CBS more worried about pleasing right than Bush being AWOL from Nat'l Guard duty, considered Limbaugh & Coulter for 'impartial' investigation of Dan Rather's story | Nov 18th 2pm |
| Farmer avoids jail in fake tiger photo trial | Nov 18th 2pm |
| News cycle sputters. What to do, what to do? Hey... we haven't had a Natalee Halloway story in a while | Nov 18th 2pm |
